Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.AnonymousTraditional attribution
Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings
Short selections recovered from GADEL’s original collection. Wording is kept as found; the archived attribution is not a verification of authorship.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.Erma BombeckAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.George BurnsAttributed in the original GADEL collection
If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.AnonymousTraditional attribution
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.Phyllis DillerAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else–and usually it’s reading his own handwriting.G. Norman CollieAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work.GallagherAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.Marcel AchardAttributed in the original GADEL collection
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.Paul FixAttributed in the original GADEL collection
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.AnonymousTraditional attribution
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.Steven WrightAttributed in the original GADEL collection
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.AnonymousTraditional attribution
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.AnonymousTraditional attribution
Gray hair is God’s graffiti.Bill CosbyAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.Colin SautarAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.AnonymousTraditional attribution
When women go wrong, men go right after them.Mae WestAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.Rita Mae BrownAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.P.D. EastAttributed in the original GADEL collection
You can’t have everything… where would you put it?Steven WrightAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.Charles SchulzAttributed in the original GADEL collection
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.Rodney DangerfieldAttributed in the original GADEL collection
I’ve never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.Jeff FoxworthyAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it’s nothing.Gracie AllenAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.AnonymousTraditional attribution
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils …Louis Hector BerliozAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!AnonymousTraditional attribution
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.Peter ToshAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Every woman beautiful till she speaks.Zimbabwean proverbTraditional attribution
A closed mouth gathers no foot.AnonymousTraditional attribution
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.G. K. ChestertonAttributed in the original GADEL collection
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.A. Whitney BrownAttributed in the original GADEL collection
The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.Polish proverbTraditional attribution
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.Walter BagehotAttributed in the original GADEL collection
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.Evan EsarAttributed in the original GADEL collection
You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do.Norman JusterAttributed in the original GADEL collection
You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all it accessories.Melanie ClarkAttributed in the original GADEL collection
Original collection & source
Original title: Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings to Start Your Day
Open the Wayback source in a new tab ↗Only short selections are republished here. The archived original may include longer passages and unverified attributions.
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